Our most loving relationships often start at the top of the mountain; they begin with the magic of romance. However, when the veneer of those early beginnings starts to wear thin, tensions inevitably surface. When we find ourselves reacting to our partner with potent, negative feelings, we have two choices. One is to fight and then make up – again, and again, and again – until all we have left to share are the cold remains of some unresolved pain. Or, we learn how to turn this kind of unpleasant encounter into a whole new kind of understanding, one that both illuminates and disarms the differences between the two of us before it can escalate into a painful disagreement that no one wins. This deep dialogue explores how we can work through conflict in a truly constructive way beyond anger, blame, and coercion. Finley uses the analogy of volunteering to pick up the check at a restaurant saying, “This one is on me.” He reveals, “I’m simply saying I have seen enough about myself to know that if I resist your negativity with my own, we’re going to sit here and each of us will find the other responsible for this miserable moment.” He goes on to give an alternative to that scenario: “You are not responsible for the misery I’m feeling. If I’m miserable it’s because I’m identified with and protecting something in myself that I didn’t know was there until you helped me see it.”
